The Bar

A guy walked into a bar... OUCH!

yo mama so fat when she licks her fingers...

yo mama so fat when she licks her fingers at KFC she licks everyones fingers

The 3 Vampires

There Were 3 Vampire's that walked into a bar.

the bar man shouts " wat wud u guys like "

the vampires look at each other

1st vampire says 1 shot of blood plz

2nd vampire says i'd like a double plz

3rd vampire says just a glass of water plz

the bar man walks of to get them there drinks.

and he says to the third vampire why did u only want water?

the 3rd vampire says well ive got a tampon im making a cup of tea

3 pints please

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The barman asks him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the other's in Australia and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together'The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.One day he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh no,' he says. 'Everyone's fine. I've just given up drinking.'

The bartender and his camel

One day a man walked in to a bar and asked the bartender oh bartender what is that $20.00 for so the bartender said well whoever can make my camel laugh get the money so the man walks behind and makes the camel laugh so the bartender asked the man how did you make him laugh, so the man replies oh its a secret, so the next day the same man walks in the bar and sees $40.00 dollars on the bar and asked the bartender what is that money for and he says well who ever can make my camel cry wins the money so the man walks behind and made the camel cry so the bartender asked the man how did you make him cry and he said well the firt time i told your camel my ball's were bigger then his and the second time i pulled my pants down and my balls were bigger then his.....

2 Guys Walk Into A Bar

Two guys walk into a bar...
You would think the second guy would have ducked.

Leaving Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day,
they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the
boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or
came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent
playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before
meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her
husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her
house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave
early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No
way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Foot Doctor

A drunk stumbled into a podiatrist's office, mistaking it for a whorehouse. The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind the screen and stick it out. So, naturally, the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants and stuck his penis through the screen. The nurse walked over, shrieked, and dropped her tray of instruments. 'That's not a foot!' she screamed. The drunk replied, 'Sshorry, lady! I didn't know there was a minimum.'

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't...

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.

Poor Prick

The sad life of a penis:
I only have one eye,
my hair is a mess,
my skin is wrinkly,
my relatives are nuts,
my neighbours an arsehole
and my best friends a cunt!

Ready to Go Home Yet

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, 'How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?' The man said, 'because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.'

Bartender Joke

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, three Laotian monks, Hitler, Jesus and Joseph Stalin walk into a bar, the bartender asks "What the fuck is this? Some kind of joke?"

A polish man in bar

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me." The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that." "What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!" "O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea." "And why not?" asks the polish guy. The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian." "I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy. So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

Stumpy-legged pink dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, �Geez that's a
weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my
rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.�

50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull
terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, �Say what breed is
that anyway?�

The owner says, �Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same
breed as every other alligator.�

Two dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"

"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed!!!"

whats long black and smelly?...

whats long black and smelly?

the welfare queue

Forgot Something

A guy goes in a bar and gets really drunk and starts to walk home. Every 2 steps he falls.
So he is 2 steps away from his doorway and he falls in. Then he tries to walk up the stairs quietly and get in bed.

In the morning his wife gets up before him and says "Were you drinking lastnight?"

He asks, "how did you know?"

She says "you left your wheelchair at the bar"

Guiness and women

This is very upsetting for you guys. Research scientists at Guinness suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption after considering the results of a recent analysis, which had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

D.... Bag

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, "Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me."
The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. "Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit!" he shouts.

The bartender becomes angry. "Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names."

The drunk persists. "For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!"

Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. "The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, ma'am. What can I get for you?"

The woman replies, "Oh,... I'll have a vinegar and water, please!"

15 Signs You Drank Too Much

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping � with your Oldsmobile. 14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. 9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile. 8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!" 4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.