Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says Joe sheepishly.
"No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife, Becky, found it in our bed."
A man is rushing to work one day when he is knocked down by a
car. When he comes round in the hospital, his wife is sitting
next to the bed. He turns to her and says, "When I was unpopular
at school, you took the time to get to know me and we started
dating. When I failed my degree at university, you were there
beside me. When I couldn't get a job through failing my degree,
you were there beside me. When I did get a job, the same job I
have been doing for 15 years without a pay rise, you were there
beside me. I get run over, wake up in the hospital and you are
there beside me. I have something I really need to say to
you..." Choking back tears, the man's wife moves to sit on the
bed. She gently picks up her husband's hand in hers, "Yes my
darling?" He says, "FUCK OFF YOU WITCH! YOU BRING ME BAD LUCK!"
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "I have a chance of a lifetime to go fishing for a week, but I have to leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in about an hour to pick them up."
He goes home, grabs everything, and rushes off.
He returns a week later and his wife asks if he had a good time.
He says, "Oh, yes great! But you forgot to pack my blue pajamas!"
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets
up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up
the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his
seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and
refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles
past my stop already."
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be ready in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
4 KINDS OF SEXHOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, "FUCK YOU"COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny you've got.
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs
white, mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
* Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of
"Lord of the Flies."
* Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some water paints,
and no pants.
* "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!"
* Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.
* No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the Gender
Ambiguous directly into the NBA.
* Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure.
* Leather-clad teacher announces that today's letters are S and M.
* The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.
* She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.
* Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.
* For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato.
* "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies.
* The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps
getting into my tequila."
* On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos."
Why did you escape from prison? - a policeman asks the fugitive.
wanted to get married.
Heh. You have quite the strange view of freedom.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his
father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and
reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "Let's make a
demonstration out of this. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've
learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what
his father means. He asks his mother,�Mom, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly,
and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but,
yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister�s room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says,
"Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've
figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in
reality, we're living with a couple of whores."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Could you please help me to find a suitable partner?"
The marriage officer said, "Your requirements please."
"Well, let me see, needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation, and be silent when I want to rest."
The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand, you need a television!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A man and a woman had just gotten married and the were at the
wedding reception. Now it was a family tradition on the bride's
side to dance the first song with the best man. The groom was
alright with the idea so he let the best man dance with her.
Then suddleny, the song ended and then another song came on. The
groom just waited for it to be over but that song soon ended and
they were still dncing. The groom got so mad that he went right
up to the bride and kicked her betwen the legs!
The best man was so furious and he yelled at the groom, "I'll
see you in court!" So all three of them went to court and the
judge asked the groom what had happened. The groom said, "They
kept on dancing and dancing and dancing until I got so pissed
that I kicked Ericka (the wife ) between the legs." The judge
said, "Oooh! That's gotta hurt!" Then the best man said,
"Yeah...I broke three fingers!"
Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of
light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large
"BOOM". When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red
figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.
Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling
each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great
glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging
comfortably in his pew.
"Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered.
The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."
Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
The man snorted, "What for? I been married to your sister for 35 years!"
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl!"