There was this guy that went to the doctor to get is sperm counted.The lady
behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He
says, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then."
Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar.
She says, "Nothing's in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried
with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happend. I called
my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her
left hand. Nothing still happend. Well, we called our neighbor and she came
over, and she tried with her right hand ans she tried with her left hand, and
still nothing happened.
And the woman behind the counter looked srtunned and asked, "You asked your
neighbor over to help you!?" And he says, "Yeah, we couldn't get the jar open."
Sperm Counting
True Medical Stories
A man and woman hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered
in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his towels around his
waist and the woman had them around her head. They eventually
explained to the doctors that they had gone out that evening for
a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under
the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act,
she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the
man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and
desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
until she let go!
*****
A Californian doctor examining a young woman for abdominal pains
asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she
had said she was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm
not, I just lie there." When asked if she knew who the father
was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No, who?"
*****
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his
penis. He complained that his wife had a "rat in her pussy" and
it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was
revealed that she had a surgigal needle left inside her after a
recent hysterectomy.
Saran Wrap
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. The guy asks
the doctor, ''What do you think is wrong with me?''
The doctor replied,� I can clearly see you're nuts.''
Naming children
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in
the hospital, she fell into a coma.
When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a
child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a
handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while
you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together,
if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's
the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
Identity Crisis
The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson."
The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.
The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Who are you?"
Smiling coyly, the patient replied, "I'm Lady Nelson."
The Human Couch
A woman with shortness on breath who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged
into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an
asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed
a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to
find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during a pelvic exam a TV
remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became
known as "The Human Couch."
Dead Penis
An old man in a retirement home was very depressed. One of the
nurses asked him, "What's the matter, Mr. Wilson?" "My penis
died," he said. "What?" She asked. To which he again replied,
"My penis died!" The nurse didn't think too much about it and
continued what she was doing.
The next day, she spotted the old man walking around with his
penis hanging out. "Stop that, Mr. Wilson." She yelled, "You
can't just walk around with your penis hanging out!" Mr. Wilson
says, "Do you remember yesterday I told you that my penis had
died? Well...today is the viewing!"
Difference!
What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
You come in one and you go in the other!
Cough Cure
Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life - not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle - just standing there, frozen.
The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"
Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."
Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."
Assistant replies, "Sure, he is. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!"
Curing the Mute
Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, "I can't talk, please help me!" The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the table here." Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Then the doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"
The Sick Husband
There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took
him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the
wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her
husband.
He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper
him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him -- her
husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband
did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The
doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that
she did.
When the wife came out, the husband asked her, �so what is the matter with me?
Am I going to die?� And the wife said, �Yes, honey, I'm afraid you're going to
die.�
School Sweatshirts
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
The Blue Eye
One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye
gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency
operation, was told by the doctor that he'd been given a glass eye. The man
looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his
original eye color was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged.
''I can't walk around like this!!"
"Sir," the doctor said, "there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to
give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it
here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.''
A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a
big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the
road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down
the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled
out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail...with a blue glass eye! As it was so
late at night and during such a big storm, no one was about. So the man
proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man's blue eyes,
replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to
have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving
along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene
and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to
him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.
''Excuse me, sir," said the policeman. "Do you know anything about this at
all?''
''No, constable'', said the man.
''Well, we can't figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40
miles with two glass eyes!''
Over The Counter
A middle aged man walks into a Wal-Mart and asks where the
pharmacy counter is. After being guided in its direction, he
asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes out and the
man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra
here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the
counter?"
The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps
if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."
Nurse Doctor Doctor Nurse
Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room!
Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can't see him!!
A little insurance
A son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. The father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, ''Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?''The father replies, ''I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!
Rude Doctor!
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.
Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says -
"Hey, I'm just messinging with you, dude...
You don't have to do all that stuff - she's dead!"
Wounded in the woods
Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case which read, "Shot
in the lumbar region," the poor girl was flustered and at her wit's end. At last
she thought she had it figured out and brightened up as she typed up the record,
"Wounded in the woods."
Top 10 Viagra Slogans
10. Viagra, it's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, the quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there
tonight.
6. Viagra, be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone
4. Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, we bring good things to life!
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs.
Bad Headache
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."