A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.Joe again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.Once again, he prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Dumb Criminal at the Photo Mart
Roland Tough, 22, dropped off a roll of film to be developed at a Tesco supermarket in England. When employees looked at the resulting prints, they recognized the men in the photos as the thieves who had robbed the store two weeks before, now posing with their loot from the robbery. Police arrested Tough when he came back to pick up his pictures. He said he had taken the photos to "show friends in prison how well he was doing."
Charles Manson
Charles Manson has released a statement from prison on hearing Jackson was acquitted, "Thank God we won't be in the same cell together, that guy is nuts."
yo momma is so fat you have to grease the...
yo momma is so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side to get her threw
yo momma so fat she woke up and fell off on both sides of the bed
yo momma is so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her as the new world
yo momma so fat she sat on the toilet and if it could talk it would say abcdefg get your fat butt off of me hijklmnop hurry up your squishing me
God's time and money
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
He replied, "1 second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God replied, "Just wait a sec."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Ping Pong Balls
A king had a gorgeous daughter of wedding age. Three princes wanted to
marry the princess. So the king said, "Whoever can bring me back the most
ping pong balls gets to marry the my daughter." So the three princes went
out looking for ping pong balls.
The first prince came back with his horse carrying two sacks filled with
ping pong balls. He figured he made it with no problem.
Then, the second prince came back with ten horse carrying sacks filled
with ping pong balls on each horse. He thought he would make it all the
way.
Finally, the third prince came back. He was all beat up. His clothes were
all ripped up, black and blue eyes, skinned knees, and the rest of him was
completely demolished. The king asked, "What happened? You didn't find any
ping pong balls?"
The prince said, "What the hell do you mean ping pong balls! I thought you
said king kong's balls!"
80 year old man
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Because I'm telling everybody!"
For A Day...
What Men Would Do If They Had A Vagina For A Day
1. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers
2. Squat over a handheld mirror for an hour and a half
3. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch
4. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE
closing time
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first.
6. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
7. Finally find that damned G-spot
What Women Would Do If They Have A Penis For A Day
1. Find out what's so fascinating about "beating your meat"
2. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
3. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging
orgasm
4. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as
funny as it looks
5. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
6. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
7. Get a blow job
Power Outage
A True Story....
A friend of mine worked for the local internet
company as a tech support guy, when one day he received a call
from a man who was obviously computer ignorant. The man told my
friend that his computer screen went black while he was using
it. He asked the man if the little light on his monitor was
still on, and the man said no. So then he asked him if the
computer was still pluged in. The man asked him to hold on while
he checked. A few minutes later, the man comes back and tells
him he can't see the plug in because the electricity had went
off. Therefore, my friend told him to put his computer back in
the box and take it back to the store because he was too stupid
to own a computer!
TopFive's Thanksgiving Dinner Advice
50> Thanksgiving entertainment is fine, but try to avoid hiring giblet jugglers.
49> The oldest male child should sit at the head of the table and steadfastly refuse to move, proclaiming loudly, "Yer already dead, old man!" (Hey, we didn't say it was all *good* advice.)
48> After eight years in a row, you should know better than to pull that finger.
47> Carving a "turkey" from a block of potted meat may be a clever trick, but it will leave you with a table of hungry, angry guests.
46> To prevent post-meal indigestion, spike the dressing with Tums.
45> Basting isn't necessary -- you can go ahead and murder your family dry if you like. And remember: When the police arrive, cranberry sauce is effective at hiding telltale blood stains.
44> In an emergency, gravy can be administered by IV.
43> Resist the urge to recreate the Devil's Tower using your mashed potatoes; chilled leftovers are better construction material and draw less attention.
42> If the about-to-be-carved turkey is smiling at you, you know Grandpa's already hammered and pranking with his teeth again.
41> Fold the napkins inside out and you can use them a second time.
40> Concerned about room at the table? With a good juicer, you can reduce the entire meal to a delicious, space-saving shake.
39> The more you drink, the more tolerable Uncle Saul's stench becomes.
38> Remember, demonstrating how you "stuffed" the turkey with your "special sauce" will probably get you arrested.
37> You should not give away a turkey drumstick as a "marital aid door prize."
36> The "Butterball Hotline" is *not* a direct phone line to the desk of Al Roker.
35> No matter how much wine is served at Thanksgiving dinner, a gourd should never be used as a marital aid.
34> When your mother makes her signature marshmallow/butterscotch/marmalade/chocolate/caramel/powdered sugar/sprinkle-covered yams, take a helping even if you're on the Atkins Diet unless you really want to hear about the 40 hours she spent in labor bringing your sorry ass into this world so you could insult her cooking.
33> We're Americans! If all else fails, deep-fry that sucker -- regardless of what it is.
32> Whenever someone asks where you got the turkey, tell them you married him. *That* joke never gets old.
31> Sure, an apple looks appetizing in a roast pig's mouth, but please consider that turkeys lack an appropriate orifice.
30> Remember: A large family dinner is God's way of saying "I hate you."
29> Six or seven good-sized squirrels can be sewn together into a reasonable semblance of a turkey. Just don't be too forceful with the stuffing.
28> Uncle Marty unhitching his belt buckle after dessert is a sign he enjoyed his meal, not cause for a frantic call to 911.
27> It's considered impolite to refer to stuffing the turkey as "buggering the bird."
26> Despite Uncle Louie's insistence, unlimited helpings of "turkey" refers to the poultry, not Wild Turkey 101.
25> Best not sit your adult Native American guests at the children's table.
24> A systematic reassembly of the giblets on a serving tray both educates the kids and aesthetically pleases the adults.
23> Shredded stock trading documents make lovely basket stuffers! (Martha Stewart only)
22> Fresh apple cider is a fall treat for the kids, and you can surprise them with a post-Halloween trick by substituting the contents of Grandpa's catheter bag.
21> Never pull the hostess' legs apart and yell, "C'mon, Cousin Roy, make a wish!"
20> Here's a time-saving recipe for rice pilaf: Start with some Minute Rice, then look behind the fridge and add whatever you can peel off the floor.
19> A wishbone can be used as emergency IUD.
18> No matter how funny a voice you make, using the turkey as a hand-puppet probably won't impress your girlfriend's parents.
17> Avoid certain disaster by placing Adam Sandler at the kid's table and his guitar with the adults.
16> Assign Great Aunt Gertrude a helpful task that also keeps her out of the kitchen... like re-roofing the garage.
15> To aid digestion, avoid watching the annual Detroit Lions game.
14> If Grandpa happens to die during dinner, it's impolite to call dibs on his spot at the big-people table.
13> Memo to turkey carver: "Do you want fries with that?" is a little bit funnier every time you say it.
12> For a festive touch, fill finger bowls with raw poultry juices.
11> Keep an extra tureen of gravy handy so you can pour it over the head of anyone who answers a cell phone during the meal.
10> When you say, "I simply MUST have this recipe," don't follow up with, "They're going to ask me about it in the emergency room."
9> If your turkey has four paws and fur, it's time to change butcher shops.
8> Dress comfortably and casually. You'll be eating yourself silly, and since only relatives will be there, you won't be getting laid anyway.
(Note: This tip not applicable in Greater Appalachia.)
7> Although guests love being pampered, it's not generally considered appropriate to unbutton their pants for them after the meal.
6> Fun tip: Glue pine cones to your beer-can hats and fill them with gravy!
5> Don't trust any recipe for mashed potatoes that includes the step, "Now invite Gallagher over."
4> Great Thanksgiving trick: Hide a tape recorder inside the turkey. When stuffing the bird, hit the "play" button.
Your pre-recorded orgasm sounds will delight both family and friends!
3> Be sure the dinnertime seating arrangements leave your unnaturally skinny niece a clear path to the bathroom.
2> Keep the leftover gravy to make frozen gibletsicles for the kids!
1> Accept the Dahmers' invitation if you must, but you'd be wise to take a pass on the "Gran'berry sauce.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Redneck Track & Field
You might be a redneck if you think �wind sprints� means running from a fart.
The Earing
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says Joe sheepishly.
"No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife, Becky, found it in our bed."
The Top 15 Signs Your Team Is Sponsored by a Brothel (Part II)
15> The term "tailgate party" seems to have taken on an entirely different meaning.
14> Your new uniforms: fishnet jerseys with red velvet pants.
13> The halftime show is a live version of the Kama Sutra.
12> That rainbow-wigged freak in the stands wears a shirt saying: "Johns 69:$80."
11> You're still in the locker room when your manager yells for you to "get a piece of it."
10> For $100, your goalie will let anyone score.
9> Patrick Ewing came out of retirement and is playing for league minimum.
8> You're dead last in the division, but your "Madame Rosie's Got Game" T-shirts are selling on eBay for $2,000.
7> Concession stand burgers come with a side order of French ticklers.
6> Your team is the Washington Foreskins.
5> You now take it as a compliment when the opposing team calls you a bunch of pussies.
4> At the team tryouts, they ask you to "Bend It Like Beckham" -- and you're a basketball player.
3> You still suck, but now it costs the opposing team an extra $20.
2> "Yo! Condom man!"
1> "Oh, baby! Don't stop!! Oh, yes! Yes! GOOOOOAAAALLL!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAALLL!!!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Guy who attacked the White house
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the
White house with a plane was insane?
A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in
his -own- bedroom at night.
One Good Turn
Little Johnnie was very lustful for a girl living in his neighborhood. He invited her to dinner, and she accepted. After dinner, he drove to a little mountain about 5 miles away from the city, and told her: "I want you right here and now. Do it or get out and go home!" Without saying a word, she got out and walked home.
A few weeks later, after a lot of apologizing, he invited her again, and she agreed. Later, he drove to another mountain about 10 miles away. Same question, same answer: the girl got out of the car and walked home.
Another few weeks later, after sending flowers and candies and even more apologizing, Johnnie gave it another try. The girl accepted once again. This time, Johnny wanted to make it sure, so he drove 50 miles away.
Once again he said: "I want you now. Do it or get out and walk home!" Without saying a word, the girl undressed and the two had the greatest sex in Johnnie's whole life.
Afterwards, when the two of them were dressed again and drove home, Johnnie asked her why she had walked home the first two times, as she had obviously enjoyed it very much.
The girl answered: "Well, I will gladly walk 5 or 10 miles to save a good friend from gonorrhea, but 50 miles is just too much to ask."
Bad Luck...
A man is rushing to work one day when he is knocked down by a
car. When he comes round in the hospital, his wife is sitting
next to the bed. He turns to her and says, "When I was unpopular
at school, you took the time to get to know me and we started
dating. When I failed my degree at university, you were there
beside me. When I couldn't get a job through failing my degree,
you were there beside me. When I did get a job, the same job I
have been doing for 15 years without a pay rise, you were there
beside me. I get run over, wake up in the hospital and you are
there beside me. I have something I really need to say to
you..." Choking back tears, the man's wife moves to sit on the
bed. She gently picks up her husband's hand in hers, "Yes my
darling?" He says, "FUCK OFF YOU WITCH! YOU BRING ME BAD LUCK!"
How did you break YOUR leg??
A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.
Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.
The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. Her doctor walked into her room laughing his head off. He said,"You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!
So, how did you break YOUR leg??"
God Bless Us
There are five people on a plane that's crashing. There is the pilot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes. The pilot jumps out and yells, ''God bless me!'' Bill Gates jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my bank account!'' Michael Jordan jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my team!'' Wayne Gretzky jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and the New York Rangers!'' The big, fat lady jumps out without a parachute and yells, ''God bless me and the people I land on!''
Q: How many Polish-Americans
Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.
O.J. Simpson vs. John Elway
What do O.J. Simpson and John Elway have in comon?
John Elway is a old white Bronco and O.J. Simpson drives a old white
Bronco.
LICENSE TO STEALTwo
LICENSE TO STEALTwo Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.
Knock KnockWho's there?Clarence!Clarence who?Clarence sale!
Knock KnockWho's there?Clarence!Clarence who?Clarence sale!
There is black boy, Malcolm; a white boy,...
There is black boy, Malcolm; a white boy, James; and a Mexican girl
Jaunita in a spelling bee at school.
To win the spelling bee the student must spell the word correctly and use
the word in a sentence.
Teacher: James, spell dictate.
James: d-e-c-t-a-t-e
Teacher: Sorry that's wrong.
Teacher: Juanita spell dictate.
Juanita: d-i-k-t-a-t-e
Teacher: Sorry that's wrong.
Teacher: Malcolm spell dictate.
Malcolm: d-i-c-t-a-t-e
Teacher: Correct Malcolm. Now use it in a sentence.
Malcolm: Juanita, how my dic tate las nite?
Michael Jackson
A little boy walks up to his mother and asks her "Mommy is God a male or female?"" His mother thought for a second and said ""Well God is both male and female."" The little boy left and came back 5 minutes later to ask his mother ""Mommy is God black or white?"" His mother replied ""Well God is both."" The boy being confused asked his mother ""Well mommy if God is all of those things than is God gay or strait?"" His mother replied in a shocking way ""Well God is also both of those."" After hearing this answer the boy looked up at his mother and asked ""Mommy is God Michael Jackson?""
"
2 Story House
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'
Bush and Moses
George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he
noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white
beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his
arms. He approached the man and asked reverently, "Aren't you
Moses?"
But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking. George
asked him again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on
little Bush. George grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the
eye and insists, "Answer me -- Aren't you Moses?"
The man replies, "I'm not saying a thing! The last time I spoke
to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"
En una entrevista a un
En una entrevista a un viejo lobo de mar:
"Capit�n, de sus muchas aventuras por el mundo, �cu�l recuerda como la m�s terrible?"
"�Hombre! Fue en 1977, tras un largo viaje por los mares de China y Jap�n. Aquella vez, al regresar a mi casa, se me ocurri� botar las cenizas de mi cigarrillo en el piso que acababa de fregar mi mujer, y... �para qu� contarle!"
Spring
Vovochka asks the teacher:
- Why is that: two halves of my pen screw and they don't have any children?
The teacher is furious and she runs to the director. He comes to the class and
Vovochka repeats his question.
- Haven'tcha noticed the spring in there?
Hola, me llamo Chal-li, acabas
Hola, me llamo Chal-li, acabas de ser infectado por el �ltimo tipo de virus creado, el virus manual Chal-li. Soy un virus humilde y no me reenv�o autom�ticamente ni borro ning�n disco al ser recibido por lo tanto agradecer�a tu colaboraci�n.
Lo primero que debes hacer es ir a la carpeta de Windows y borrar unos cuantos ficheros, si puede ser que suenen importantes como el win.ini, command.com y alguno otro que se os ocurra.
A continuaci�n reenv�ame a todos los nombres de tu libreta de direcciones.
Si quieres darme m�s fama ser�a un detalle que por �ltimo borraras el disco duro o le prendieras fuego a la CPU.
Muchas gracias por tu atenci�n y te agradezco de antemano tu ayuda.
Dog Poop
Two blondes are walking in the woods when one looks down and
says, "Look dog poop!" The other bends down and smells it,
"Smells like dog poop." They both stick there fingers in it,
"Feels like dog poop." They taste it, "Taste like dog poop!" One
says to the other, "Sure glad we didin't step in it."
En un restaurante, un comensal
En un restaurante, un comensal le ordena al mesero:
"Mesero, d�me un huevo duro".
El mesero lo atiende y le lleva el huevo. Tiempo despu�s, el tipo grita enojado:
"Mesero, este huevo est� blando".
El mesero se acerca a la mesa, mira al huevo y exclama:
"�C�llate, huevo hijo de puta!"
Firing Squad
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Mexican, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Mexican. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"
Pepsi Genie
It was a black man.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of Pepsi. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.
"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."
"OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.
Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!
Nigger - apple
What does a nigger and an apple have in common?
You can find them both hanging from a tree in Mississippi.
Wallet
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.
As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.
Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.
"That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting," remarked one of the fisherman.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Old Ladies & a Flasher
Three old ladies were confronted by a flasher.
The first had a stroke, and the second had a stroke but the third wouldn't touch it.
Linguistics Professor
A distinguished linguistics professor was lecturing on the phenomenon of
double negatives. As he neared the end of his talk, he drew himself up and
declared solemnly:
In conclusion, let me observe that while there are numerous cases where a
double negative conveys a positve, there is no case where a double positive
conveys a negative.
Whereupon, from the back of the room, arose a small voice dripping with
disdainful condescension:
Yeah, yeah...
Q: How many movie
Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.
BLONDE
There was 2 blondes walking down the street, when they came across a mirror laying on the ground, one blonde pickes it up and says, "hey, this person looks really fimilar!?" so the other blonde says,"here let me see." she looks and says,"you dummy thats me!"
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.167. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
Election explination
(Every year, teacher Mike Wilson of Ballwin, Missouri has his elementary-school students study the presidential election process in America. From the resulting essays and exam papers, Wilson has culled some gems of youthful insight and wisdom, not to mention skepticism worth of a politics-weary adult. As the 1984 presidential election grows near, we offer some of Wilson's treasures.)
Did you ever think what I used to think about candidates running neck-and-neck? Well it is not true.
Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote.
Calling a person a runner-up is the polite way of saying you lost.
The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father but a president is not.
What I learned about elections is that we aren't really getting to elect the president. It is some people in a college who get to. I have not decided what to do about it yet but I am not going to just sit around.
It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting the majority of popular votes. Anyone who can ever understand how this works gets to be president.
Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because they became president.
The more I think about trying to run for president the less I think of it.
The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet.
Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable.
The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stand for and the election is when the votes tell if they can stand for his being elected.
Actually, elections are different from politics. Elections come and go while politics are with us all the time.
The winning candidate is elected and inoculated.
In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn at.
Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do.
The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I have heard them called other things.
One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for president must be people.
Popular votes tell who is the most popular. Electoral votes tell who is the most elected.
Heredity is a bad thing in politics because it gets us kings instead of presidents.
A caucus is something people vote in. Sort of a small booth.
An overwhelming favorite is a candidate that often comes over to the convention and whelms the delegates.
The jobs of delegates is to resent their states.
Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying anything.
When the radio mentions a landslide, cross your fingers and hope it is talking about an election.
A dark horse is a candidate that the delegates don't know enough about to dislike yet.
Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates act that way.
A split ticket is when you don't like any of them on the ticket so you tear it up.
When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise.
Elephants and donkeys never fought until politics came along.
Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run out of ideas and keep shouting anyway.
A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.
We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.
One of the mainest rules of campaigning is you are not allowed to go on a whistle-stop tour without a train.
Politician is the bawling out name for a candidate you don't like.
Speaking of defeat, candidates are told never to.
Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending.
Missing Cellphone
A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home.
As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette.
Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing.
He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there.
Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
"Aaron, The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my cellphone?"
So Thor!
One day the norse god Thor was looking down upon the earth and was watching couples amking out in a park. He decided that this looked like fun, so with a clap of thunder, Thor was walking around the park as a human man. He came upon a young beautiful girl sitting alone and asked if he could join her. The girl replied "For THURE" and Thor gathered that the girl had a lisp but figured as good as she looked, what the heck, so he sits down and soon they were making out like the other couples. As her passions grew, she finally said, "wait a minute, wait a minute, lets go back to my plath!" so the left and went into her apartment and let nature take its course. After about 18 hours of nonstop sex, she says "hold up, i gotha go pith!" and she gets up to go use the bathroom. While she's gone Thor lies thinking to himself, "surely by now she realizes that I'm no mere mortal man, I should tell her who I am". So when she re-enters the room, Thor is standing on the end of the bed, pounding his chest and declares "I'm THOR!" the exhausted girl lokks at him and yells "You're Thor, I'm tho thore that i cant even pith!!!
Tackle box
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "I have a chance of a lifetime to go fishing for a week, but I have to leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in about an hour to pick them up."
He goes home, grabs everything, and rushes off.
He returns a week later and his wife asks if he had a good time.
He says, "Oh, yes great! But you forgot to pack my blue pajamas!"
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
The Muffin Joke
Two muffins are in a toaster oven, first muffin says: "Boy, its hot in here" second muffin says, "I don't believe it, a talking muffin!"
Do infants enjoy infancy as
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How do I set my laser printer on stun? How is it possible to have a civil war? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
One Wish Please
A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle. He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes out. The genie says that he will grant him one wish. 'Well, I'd like to go to Hawaii. But, I'm afraid of flying and I don't like the idea of going in a boat. So, I wish there was a bridge from here to Hawaii.' says the man. 'That's impossible!' says the genie. 'You'll have to make another wish.' 'Ok, I want to know how to be a successful computer programmer.' says the man. 'How many lanes do you want on that bridge?' asks the genie.
Knock KnockWho's there?Pasture!Pasture who?Pasture bedtime
Knock KnockWho's there?Pasture!Pasture who?Pasture bedtime isn't it!
A radical feminist
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets
up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up
the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his
seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and
refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles
past my stop already."
The Life Of The Party
The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party.
"John," she said, "did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?"
"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife, "I don't think anyone ever did?"
"Well," she snapped, "then where did you ever get the idea!!!"
You're a redneck ... jack Daniels makes your
You're a redneck if.... Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
Bullets
This pregnant woman is in a bank getting some money when a maked gun-man runs in and robs the bank, on the way out he shoots the woman three times. She is rushed to hospital and the doctor assure her she and the babies are fine and the bullets are best left in her. The birth was indeed normal and she was blessed with three children.
--14 Years Later--
The first daughter walks up to her Mum and says "Mum, something odd just happened, I passed a bullet" The Mum was shocked by this but explains what happened to the girl.
--Later that day--
The second daughter walks up to her Mum and says "Mum, something odd just happened, I passed a bullet" The Mum was less shocked by this but explains what happened to the girl.
-- Later that evening--
The son walks up to her Mum and says "Mum, something odd just happened" The Mum now expecting this said "Let be guess you just passed a bullet ?" The boy looks shocked by this and says "No, I was having a wank and I shot the dog !"
If Men Really Ruled
IF MEN REALLY DID RULE THE WORLD...Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.Birth control would come in ale or lager.Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO."Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.Tanks would be far easier to rent.Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"Valentine's Day would be moved to 29 Feb so it would only occur in leap years.On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month."Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.The only show opposite Mon. Night Football would be Mon. Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.People would never talk about how fresh they felt.Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
A philandering pres
A philandering pres named Bill,
Was married to a lawyer named "Hill."
He played on the side,
And repeatedly lied,
'Cuz his female intern said, "I will!"
No. to Make Chocolate Chip Cookies
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A1:
10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three. . . one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
A3: Two. . . one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.
New Name
So, I recently took a tour of the White House, and on the tour our
guide pointed out the new name to the "Oval Office", seems someone
liked the name the "Oral Office" better!
Porque hacen pip� en cualquier
Porque hacen pip� en cualquier lado.
Porque s�lo se entienden con los de su raza.
Porque hablan otro idioma.
Porque 'ladran' pero no 'muerden'.
Porque s�lo piensan en comer.
Porque se van detr�s de cualquier perra.
Porque lloran cuando los dejan solos.
Porque se ponen felices cuando los sacamos a pasear.
Porque uno los echa y siempre vuelven.
Porque son f�ciles de distraer.
Porque se dejan llevar solo por sus instintos... �No piensan!
Porque hay variedad de razas y colores.
Porque a veces estorban.
Porque entre m�s cansada est� una m�s remolones se ponen.
Porque cuando eructan creen que es una gracia.
Porque los perros comen cualquier cosa.
Porque son m�s bonitos cuando peque�os.
Porque hay que vacunarlos contra la rabia.
Porque manejan tan bien como un perro.
Porque todo hay que dec�rselos y repet�rselos 20 veces.
Porque hay que gritarles para que entiendan.
A pilot was flying a small
A pilot was flying a small charter plane
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. He began circling around looking for a landmark.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" to which the man replies, "You're in an airplane."
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
Halloween movie safety tips
If you happen to end up in a Halloween or horror movie, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep yourself healthy, happy and safe (in other words, not dead).
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone. Hit the first person that says, "Let's split up."
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. It's just not that fun.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET OUT OF THERE ANYWAY!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombining DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chain saws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle. Make that two flashlights!
20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
yo mama so fat when she licks her fingers...
yo mama so fat when she licks her fingers at KFC she licks everyones fingers
Q. What do you say to a woman who can suck...
Q. What do you say to a woman who can suck an orange through a water hose?
A. Darling.
Victorian Train
A man travelling on a train ask the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria. "This train doesn't stop at Victoria, its the express"
"Your joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria"
"Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria"
"There must be something you can do"
"Well there is one thing"
"What, anything, I need to get off"
"Well, I'll get the driver to slow down and I'll dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform"
"my god! will that work"
"Its worth a try"
The train approaches the platform at 50 mph. The ticket collector hangs the man in mid air out the door, The man starts running! The man is running in mid air. "Run faster! Run faster!"
The ticket collector lowers the man down. The mans feet touch the platform! Smoke flies of his shoes and his heel comes off. The man is running for his life! The ticket collector lets go. The man is running at 30mph!! He's made it, he begins to slow down He's still running at 20mph along side the train as the other passengers watch in amazement
As the last carriage goes by a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts him back onto the train. As he's being pulled into the carriage he hears a voice say..... "Your lucky I was here to help, this train doesn't even stop at Victoria!!!!"
Anti aircraft weapon
The USA blamed the Russian companies that they were supplying Bagdad with the elastic band for pants. Iraq engineers made the catapults of them and now Iraq soldiers are striking a blow to American air forces.
What's logic?
One day Barry-a redneck man, and his friend Billy Bob decided to
go to college. They decided that one of them would go the
nearest university and see how to enroll. They decided that
since it was Barry's idea, he should go. Once at the college, he
asked how he could enroll in college. They gave him a test on
his IQ-which he barely passed. They then asked him which
classes he wished to enroll in and listed off a couple classes.
Mathematics, History, Chemistry, English, and Logic were some.
Barry asked, "Well what's logic?"
The headmaster said, "Well, it's hard to explain, so maybe I
can show you. Do you own a weedwacker?" Barry said he did.
The head master said, "If you have a weedwacker, then I can
concur that you have a lawn."
"Wow! That's amazing! You're right!"
"Also, if you have a lawn, you probably have a house. If you
have a house, you probaly have a wife."
"Yep, thats exactly right! Do ya got any more?"
"Well, if you have a wife, I think i am right in saying that
you are heterosexual." At the look of puzzlement on Barry's
face, he added,"You're not gay."
"Well, gosh darn professor, thats amazing! Sign me up for
logic!"
Barry went home to tell Billy Bob about how great college
was. He said that he signed up for the class Logic.
Billy Bob asked, "What's logic?"
"Well, it's difficult to explain," said Barry, "so I'll show
you. Do you own a weedwacker?"
"Actually, I don't." said Billy Bob.
Barry said, "You're a queer aintcha!!!"
Insults 6
Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure.
So stupid, he moves his lips when watching TV.
So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely
journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Sperm Counting
There was this guy that went to the doctor to get is sperm counted.The lady
behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He
says, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then."
Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar.
She says, "Nothing's in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried
with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happend. I called
my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her
left hand. Nothing still happend. Well, we called our neighbor and she came
over, and she tried with her right hand ans she tried with her left hand, and
still nothing happened.
And the woman behind the counter looked srtunned and asked, "You asked your
neighbor over to help you!?" And he says, "Yeah, we couldn't get the jar open."
There was a lady who went to the tattoo parlor...
There was a lady who went to the tattoo parlor and got two tattoos, one of a
turkey on her inside left thigh and another on her inside right thigh.
She
got home and showed her husband and he asked "Why did you get those
there?"
She said "Because you're always bitching that you never have anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
Need Viagra?
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be ready in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?A: A wind tunnel.
What's 18 inches long and makes a women scream?...
What's 18 inches long and makes a women scream?
Crib death.
Some sick, sexual riddles
How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?Say, "Nice dick."How do you know you're leading a sad life?When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?Because they have cotton balls.Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day.What do single guys have? Palm SundayWhy is being in the military like a blowjob?The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?Miracle Whip.What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?A bingo machine.What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?The porcupine has pricks on the outside.What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?"Are you sure it's mine?"
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured by cosmetic surgery.
War Game Casualties
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we�ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
A good lawyer knows the law a great lawyer ...
A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.
Wooden Leg
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"
Better Late Than Never?........
Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's
office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce
proceedings," she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?A: Everything's $100.
Lawyers Revenge
A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.
She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?"
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."
THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision. "Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks. She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal."
I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn. "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement." Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?" The cop says, "No, I am not."
I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.
Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.
10 fun things to do at an airport or on an airplan
1. In the bathroom make paper airplanes and throw them into
stalls.
2. Say your in Northwest ask the lady at the front desk if this
is Southwest.
3. Whisper quietly but loud enough for someone else to hear
you, "Do you think we should blow up the plane now?"
4. Ask at the front desk if she could call someone up there
named "bea reject."
5. If your in the back get up every minute and knock on the
bathroom door and say, "Hey you having fun?"
6. Accidentally when you reach for the overhead compartment let
your bag fall out onto someone's head.
7. Keep telling the steward in a French voice do you have any
Grey Poupon.
8. Pretend to sing along but sing something stupid like "ketchup
and mustard are yummy on bread" or "saggy butt cheeks saggy saggy
butt cheeks."
9. Halfway through the flight go up to the pilots and say, "I
think I left my coat at the airport could we turn around?"
10. Sit in the back and when people walk by stick your foot out.
11. (bonus) got to the bathroom and stay in there the whole
flight making sex noises.
Vodo Dick
There once was a guy that wanted to suprise his wife then tha
guy went to a mall when he got there he saw a guy with a chest
when he opened it he said vodo dick the elevator shaft then the
dick jumped up and fucked the elelvatorshaft then the guy stole
it then he said vode dick my ass then the dick fucked him so
hard he went out driving to tha hostpital while he was driving
he was stoped by a officer he said whats tha matter with u the
man said theres a vodo dick up my ass then the officer laughed
ou loud and said vodo dick my ass!
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?A: Change.
Hi Bill
Hillary went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot.
"Does this parrot talk?" she asked.
"Yes, he does," the manager told her.
"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked.
"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his language is terrible."
"Well, I want him," she said.
"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.
When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird.
The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him.
A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said "Hi, Bill"!
The Two Cow
Since the world situation is making us all think about how governments, religions and business effect us, this simplified explanation might help us under stand better.
THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES...
A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
Having to Take a Whisper
Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the
bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time
you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father
this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
Curious George
What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious George broke a glass or a plate? Spank his monkey.
Smell better
tha lady entered a lift in a shopping mall as the lift got higher a woman got smelled the air and said "m channel no5 �100 " as they got a floor higher another woman enteres the lift smells the air and says "m kalvin klein �150" when they got to the lady,s floor she got out bent over and farted and said " brocili 25p a pound"
Modern Miracles
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, 'What is this, Father?'The father (never having seen an elevator) responded 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.'While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.The father said to his son, 'Go get your Mother.'
I owe a great deal to my father. He got...
I owe a great deal to my father.
He got the daughter of the former
owner in trouble and I had to marry her.
The biology song 05
Hark! The Streptococcus Brings(Melody: "Hark! The Herald = Angels Sing")Hark! the Streptococcus bringsStrep sore throat to all who sing,Chloraseptic doesn't cure itOther people's sneezing lures it.If the strep bug has a virusScarlet fever then arises,Cross reaction with the heartCauses it to come apart,Hark! the Streptococcus totes,Toxin and fire to all it smotes.Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,Mucus fills the lungs with sleazeA viscous greenish oozing cloak,That causes you to gasp and chokeWithout water you can drownIf you breathe the strep germ downHark! The Streptococcus breedsThe misery of a bad diseaseOf fecal strep in food beware,Methane gas befouls the air,Speedily you drop your pantsAs if they held live fire antsOn the toilet you are dyingBent in pain, guts liquefyingHail! the Streptococcus meansGlory to those who would be lean
True Medical Stories
A man and woman hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered
in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his towels around his
waist and the woman had them around her head. They eventually
explained to the doctors that they had gone out that evening for
a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under
the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act,
she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the
man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and
desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
until she let go!
*****
A Californian doctor examining a young woman for abdominal pains
asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she
had said she was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm
not, I just lie there." When asked if she knew who the father
was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No, who?"
*****
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his
penis. He complained that his wife had a "rat in her pussy" and
it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was
revealed that she had a surgigal needle left inside her after a
recent hysterectomy.
Dirty Dishes!
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were
the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "Of course they were cleaned Father."
"They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells -
"Here Soap! Here Water!"
The 3 Vampires
There Were 3 Vampire's that walked into a bar.
the bar man shouts " wat wud u guys like "
the vampires look at each other
1st vampire says 1 shot of blood plz
2nd vampire says i'd like a double plz
3rd vampire says just a glass of water plz
the bar man walks of to get them there drinks.
and he says to the third vampire why did u only want water?
the 3rd vampire says well ive got a tampon im making a cup of tea
You Heard Mom...
Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.
As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one!"
Sandwiches
There were two rumates and the one that slept ontop brung his girlfriend and he told her when they have sex for his room mate wont here if it herts say bread if you want me to go fast say Lettuce and if you want me to go slow say tomatoes.Then the next day when they woke up his room mate says "your awake?they said " yes"well then u better stop making sandwiches at night cause you got mainaise in my mouth and eyes.
Hard
What is particularly long and hard for most Southern men?
Fifth grade.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Q: How many cats does
Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.
Having To Face the F
Dermatologist: Good News my dear, aftr looking through your test results I'm happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples. Girl: Wow! That's great! Why? Dermatologist: There's no more space.
4 Kinds of sex
4 KINDS OF SEXHOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, "FUCK YOU"COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny you've got.
God gave to Adam
God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?" Adam says, "Tell me the good news first." God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect." Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?" God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."
Knock KnockWho's there?Alec!Alec who?Alec-tricity. Isn't
Knock KnockWho's there?Alec!Alec who?Alec-tricity. Isn't that a shock!
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Dear Kill 17,000 Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
All objects in the world
All objects in the world can be placed into one of two categories:
- things that need to be fixed,
- things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play
with them.
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope...
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the
gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and
as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga
and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made
of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they're going to live?. The Pope gets what
everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an
18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV
dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver
platters.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made,
so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake?
This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a
lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"
The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but
you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench...
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man in a trenchcoat
flashes them.
First old lady has a stroke.
Second old lady has a stroke.
Third old lady couldn't reach.
Our Dr's Are Better
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Ha!. We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.
Wedding Questions and Answers
Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
Not if you are the groom.
How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
At least one within a week of the wedding.
What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".
Do you think that I'll lose my looks when I get ol
Do you think that I'll lose my looks when I get older
with luck, yes?
Stay over one night
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!
School
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to
law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's
firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office,
"Father, father, in one day I broke that accident case that you've been working
on for the past four years!" "You did what!" His father exclaimed. "You idiot,
what do you think put you through law school!"
WHITE HAIR
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs
white, mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Free Haircuts
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay
for the haircut but the barber refused saying "you do God's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused payment saying "you protect the public." The next morning the
barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.
Technical Stupidity Sightings
Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, 'Sure.' The next thing I hear is, 'Hey, where do you put the coffee?' I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is unsuccessfully trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water. Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.' Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?' Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to 'rightsizing,' our manager spoke up and said, 'This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #5: I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Sighting #6 (a rare 'double Sighting'): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too. Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: 'How much free space do you have on your hard drive?' Induhvidual: 'Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?' Sighting #8 (from Tech Support): Induhvidual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.' Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Induhvidual: How do you spell that?
Computer Down
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
El jefe est� teniendo una
El jefe est� teniendo una aventura amorosa con su secretaria. Una tarde en el motel, tras una intensa juerga, el hombre, poco acostumbrado a tanta actividad, se queda profundamente dormido.
Cuando despierta, a las 8:30 de la noche, se da cuenta de lo tarde que se le ha hecho para regresar a su hogar.
"�Ap�rate!", le dice a la secretaria, "mientras me visto, lleva mis zapatos al jard�n del motel y emb�rralos de lodo".
Sorprendida, la secretaria obedece. Cuando el tipo llega a la casa una hora despu�s y su esposa le reclama, el hombre dice:
"No puedo mentirte, querida. Me pas� la tarde con mi secretaria en un motel, despu�s me qued� dormido y se me hizo tarde para regresar a casa".
La esposa, contemplando los zapatos del hombre, irritada le grita:
"�Vil mentiroso, otra vez te escapaste a jugar golf!"
Why I'm tired
Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on iron-poor blood,
lack of vitamins, air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting,
yellow wax build-up, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is
really worth living.
But now I find out, tain't that. I'm tired because I'm
overworked.
The population of this country is 200 million. Eighty-four million are
retired. That leaves 116 million to do the work.
There are 75 million in school, which leaves 41 million to do the work. Of
this total, there are 22 million employed by the government.
That leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the
work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired.
Everything should be made as simple as possible,...
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
SIGNS YOU PUT YOUR KID IN THE WRONG PRE-SCHOOL
* Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of
"Lord of the Flies."
* Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some water paints,
and no pants.
* "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!"
* Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.
* No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the Gender
Ambiguous directly into the NBA.
* Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure.
* Leather-clad teacher announces that today's letters are S and M.
* The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.
* She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.
* Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.
* For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato.
* "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies.
* The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps
getting into my tequila."
* On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos."
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?A: His heart stops bleeding.
Walking On Water
Jesus and St Paul are in heaven talking about the pollution in
the seas and rvers of the earth. The Holy Son Says he is going
down to view the situation himself 7 Paul agrees to join
him.When they get there, Jesus discovers a huge metal pipe. Paul
explains to him that it taks the waste out to sea where it kills
the sealife. Jesus then walks out to sea on top of the waves
where Paul follows underneath the surface. He keeps walking on
in amazement of jesus skill to be able to walk on water but
finally asks for some help.
"Master, I will follow you anywhere but im am up to my neck in
freezing cold shitty water and i think im going to drown.
Jesus looks at paul and says "Why don't you walk on the pipe
like me then you stupid twat?"
Did you hear about the
Did you hear about the [ethnic] who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Ways to be annoying in computer labs
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Everything I really need to know I learned from Noah's Ark
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah build the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something Really big.
3. Don't listen to critics. Do what has to be done.
4. Build on the high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so was the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee--float.
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs & the Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
16. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
18. DON'T MISS THE BOAT !!!!
Best Son
There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one says "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City."
The second one says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in New York City."
The third one says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends... One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city!"
My Penis just died
Grandpa is running around in the nursing home with his privates hanging out of his pants screaming, "My penis just died, my penis just died!"
The nurses calm him down, and he goes back to his room.
The next day, grandpa is running around again with his privates hanging out, so the nurse asks him, "I thought you said yesterday that your penis died. What happened?"
Grandpa replies, "Yes, it did... but today is the viewing!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
20ft Birdie Putt
One day a young fella walked into the golf course club house looking for a
game. The attendant said there was a young lady about to tee off on the first
tee by herself The young fella went out and joined her for 18 holes. When on the
18th green, the young fella had a 25ft putt for a birdie and the young lady had
a 20ft birdie putt. The young fella was about to putt his 25 footer , when he
stopped and looked up at the young lady and said, "You know, I've enjoyed myself
so much today that if I make this 25ft birdie putt, I'll take you out for
wineing and dining to the best places in town." With that he putts his 25 footer
in for a birdie. The young lady steps up to her 20 ft birdie, stops and says,
"If I make this 20ft birdie putt, that after our wineing and dining, I'll take
you back to my place for wild times all night." Just as she goes to putt, the
young fella hollers out, "Hold it! Thats a gimme, pick it up!"
Un tipo se dirige a
Un tipo se dirige a su casa, despu�s de asistir a una suculenta y abundante cena de negocios, conduciendo su veh�culo; ha comido tanto y est� tan lleno que se afloja el cintur�n del pantal�n para sentirse c�modo. Al llegar a un sem�foro en rojo se le acerca un ni�o pobre de la calle:
"Reg�leme veinticinco centavos para comprarme un pan".
El hombre, con cara de desagrado, le responde:
"�Mir�, no me habl�s de comida que estoy lleno!"
3campers
3 men went to wales on a camping trip and had a great time fishing in the day but when it got to night fall all three of them were freezing so they all huddled together to keep warm. Eventually they fell asleep.
The next morning the first man woke up and said "I had a dream last night that someone was holding my penis" and with that the second man said "I had a dream that someone was holding my penis too" and the man who was sleeping in the middle said "Thats funny, I had a dream last night that i was skiing!"
Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Openi
1. It's easier for a woman to "turn on" a computer
2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.
3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive
4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.
5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.
6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.
7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.
8. Women have bigger SMART drives.
9. Women don't think with their joysticks.
10. Women actually read installation manuals.
3 pints please
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The barman asks him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the other's in Australia and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together'The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.One day he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh no,' he says. 'Everyone's fine. I've just given up drinking.'
Doesn't belong
Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blow job
(D) A blowjob, because its possible to beat your meat, your eggs or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Garbage Can
Yo momma so poor, I saw her diggin in a trash can. When I asked her what she was doin, she said," grocery shoppin!"
Q: How many chickens
Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.
2 Blondes And A Fire
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"
Where's the wife?
Three couples went out camping.
The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.
At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Mommy's Sponge
A little boy had never seen his mother naked before. One day he
saw and then he went to his father and asked, "Daddy, whats that
hairy thing down there. The father didn't know what to say. He
quickly said, "Oh thats a sponge." The next day the father got
home and asked the boy what he did today. He said, "Well, I
watched cartoons while mommy was upstairs washing the plummer's
face."
Underwear will do
The husband came home after his annual physical and told his wife the doctor
needs a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen sample. "That's easy," said
the wife. "Just give him a pair of your underwear."
The bartender and his camel
One day a man walked in to a bar and asked the bartender oh bartender what is that $20.00 for so the bartender said well whoever can make my camel laugh get the money so the man walks behind and makes the camel laugh so the bartender asked the man how did you make him laugh, so the man replies oh its a secret, so the next day the same man walks in the bar and sees $40.00 dollars on the bar and asked the bartender what is that money for and he says well who ever can make my camel cry wins the money so the man walks behind and made the camel cry so the bartender asked the man how did you make him cry and he said well the firt time i told your camel my ball's were bigger then his and the second time i pulled my pants down and my balls were bigger then his.....
One Armed Italian
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
Creation of Cats
On the first day of creation, God created the cat. On the second day, God created man to serve the cat. On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the cat. On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.
The new McClinton burger
Did you hear that in response to President Bill Clinton's habit of dropping in on the local McDonalds, the McDonald's national management has announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, you never get the fries you were originally promised, and it's got half the meat.
Haven't Been with a Woman
You haven't been with a woman for so long, the last time you felt a breast
it came out of a KFC bucket.
2 Guys Walk Into A Bar
Two guys walk into a bar...
You would think the second guy would have ducked.